The New Father — Book Summary

I recently had a baby boy, and I picked up this book after DadVerb recommended it. The book is organized as a month-by-month guide for what to expect with your newborn.

Note, this article is a bit selfish — I’m only summarizing the parts that I found were most relevant to my experience as a new father.

Month 0 — Newborn!

Tests and Initial Health

Jaundice

• Baby jaundice is normal, and has a 1/4 chance of affecting a newborn
• Normally goes away after a week
• Yellowness from the eyes takes the longest to go away
• Tests are done to check bilirubin levels.
• Bilirubin is a by-product of red blood cells, which normally is processed by the liver. If the liver is having trouble processing it, the bilirubin levels go up

Apgar

• Apgar tests are a rough assessment of a newborn’s general health
• Points are based on:
• Baby’s color, i.e. pink or pale
• Pulse
• Grimace, i.e. loud crying or no response
• Activity, i.e. movement

Placenta

• Some hospitals sell your placenta to cosmetic companies
• You can ask them to pack it in a Tupperware container for you.
• Some people bury them

Hearing Tests

• Should be done at the hospital
• If caught early, audiologists can provide a hearing aid to prevent speech and language development issues

Behavioral States

Baby can be any 6 states:

1. Quiet Alert

• The baby isn’t moving much
• Energy is focused on looking at and absorbing surroundings
• May track objects

2. Active Alert

• Moving arms, body, face
• Short bursts of thrashing around
• Good state for doing physical activity with your baby

3. Crying

• Movement often soothes them
• Crying is also a good workout

4. Drowsiness

• Eyes look dull or unfocused
• Leave baby alone to drift to sleep

5. Quiet Sleep

• Body is motionless
• Don’t wake up baby in this state unless pediatrician has told you otherwise

6. Active Sleep

• Eyes are usually closed but may flicker open
• Might make sucking movements, whimper, or twitch
• Half the time sleeping is in active sleep, and the other half is in quiet sleep
• Therefore, you should wait a while if the baby seems to wake up for a few mins before picking them up. They will likely fall back asleep

Interacting

• Talk to your baby, so they can start to know the rhythm of language
• Massage your baby, by gently flexing their limbs and massaging their whole body.
• Massaged babies grew 50% more than those who didn’t.
• Babies can’t understand words, but they can understand feelings

Diapers and cleaning

• Diapers should be changed every 2 hours
• Wash baby at least 1–2 times a week
• Avoid commercial baby wipes for the first weeks. Use wet washcloths instead.
• Hang a mobile above the changing surface to distract them a bit
• Immediately cover the baby genitals when changing to avoid a golden shower
• Clean under scrotum

Reusable diapers

• Allows kids to potty-train faster
• Less chance of diaper rash
• Use a diaper service if going with reusables
• Recommendation: Use cloth diapers during the day, and disposables at night

Hygiene

• You’ll need to cut baby’s nails every 2–3 days

Benefits of Breastfeeding

• Less food allergies
• Less chance of obesity
• Less chance of illnesses like cancer, infections, etc.
• Less SIDS risks

How dad can help with breastfeeding

• Make sure mom has a glass of water and drinks it during every nursing session
• Do as much of the burping and diaper change as you can

Breastfeeding

• It can take 2 weeks for mom’s nipples to toughen up
• 41% of new moms breastfeed exclusively for three months. At 6 months this number drops to 19%.
• Breast milk can be stored at room temp for 4–5 hours
• Thaw breastmilk in the fridge overnight
• Never warm milk in the microwave

Burping

• Gentle patting and rubbing is just as effective as hard thumping

Circumcision

• Uncircumcised penis needs to be washed by retracting the foreskin. However, the foreskin doesn’t always retract right away.
• Foreskin typically retracts by age 3

Visitors

• Some people will offer to help. Some are genuine and some are just being nice.
• Take the first few weeks to sleep whenever you have free time, rather than playing host to a bunch of guests.

Call a doctor if

• Your baby is unusually floppy or non-responsive
• Baby cries for a long time, or has especially high-pitched crying
• Infection at the umbilical cord side
• Not waking up every 2–3 hours
• Not enough pee/poop, i.e. at least 2–3 poops every 24 hours

Month 1

• He should be able to lift his head for a few seconds
• Wants to eat every few hours, but less bowel movements
• He can now see objects a foot away or more
• He likes high-contrast black and white patterns
• Starts cooing
• Mother may get blues around this time
• Babies lose around 10 percent of their birth weight
• Read to the baby, so they get used to the language’s sounds and rhythm
• Associating reading with calm, quiet and security
• For the first few months, babies gain weight faster if breastfed, but after that, formula babies gain faster.
• Start reading to him, so he can get used to the sound and rhythm of language
• Put a soft mirror inside the crib
• Babies look at high-contrast patterns
• See what baby prefers by showing different patterns and seeing which he stares at
• Get the baby to track objects
• Put mobiles above crib and changing table
• Play with baby’s reflexes like stroking cheeks, lips, sole of feet, or putting objects in his hand

Maternal Postpartum Blues + Depression

• Affects 50–80% of new moms
• Connected to low levels of social support, especially from father
• Blues is feeling down. Depression is blues that doesn’t go away after two weeks, and changes in daily functioning
• Help by doing nighttime feeding, and giving her protein snacks throughout the day
• Dehydration and caffeine contribute to anxiety
• She will experience engorged breasts, clogged ducts (avoid tight bras), low fever, sore nipples (use Lansinoh), leaky breasts
• Check out lalecheleague.org or ilca.org

Crying

• Tired, gas, diaper, attention
• Magic baby hold, distraction, toys, story, noise, singing
• Bath
• Swaddle
• Walk, change scenery
• Colic — more than 3 hours of crying per day, for more than 3 days a week, for more than 3 months

Older children

• Warn them that a new baby is coming, and people will be giving the baby more attention
• Point out some of the big-kid actions they can take like using a fork and knife, riding a trike, putting on their own shoes and washing their face, going down a slide by themselves. Ice cream is for big kids only!
• Practice holding baby with a doll

Safety

• Take an infant CPR class

Month 2 — First Smiles

• Starting to reach for objects, appreciates more complex patterns, starting to develop understanding of cause-effect (crying = carry)
• Starting to smile for real. Prior to this, most smiles were just gas.
• Awake for about 10 hours today
• Couples can take 6 months or longer to reestablish pre-pregnancy sex life
• Asking each other what you’re willing to do, sexually, is a way to create a safe space where you can turn each other down without causing hurt feelings
• Set aside at least 15 mins a day to talk about something other than the baby.
• Partner’s period will start around 3–8 months after the birth
• Today’s good father is expected to still be a breadwinner but also be physically and emotionally involved in the kids’ lives.
• Don’t fear discussing fears with your partner about your fears. For ex. not being able to love the baby or take care of the baby.
• The Talmud describes the baby as a king, with numerous servants all around him.
• Newborns who drank sugary solution before medical procedures cry less
• Any toys that can fit through a standard roll of toilet paper are too small
• Stay far away from ammonia, bleach, paint thinner, pool or garden chemicals
• Baby focuses on objects 8–12 inches away
• Expose baby to many different textures, like kiwi, peach, coconut
• Expose baby to many different sounds, like music, piano, instruments, bells, voices, etc.

Baby Massage

• Massage your baby every day. Looking into Tiffany Field.
• Use some baby oil and then roll the baby’s hands/arms/legs as if you were making snakes out of clay
• Firmly press your palm on the baby’s tummy moving downward
• Part the Red Sea on the baby’s tummy
• Press on the bottom of each baby’s feet using your thumbs

Positioning

• Frequently put the baby down in various positions so she turns her head from one side to another
• Stop swaddling too much
• Encourage tummy time

Vaccines

• Hep B given at birth
• Hep B 2nd dose, first dose of RV, IPV, RPCV, DTaP, HiB given at 2 months

Safety + Sleeping

• Turn down your water heater
• Make sure the crib is painted with non-toxic paint
• No stuffed animals, pillows, blankets, etc. Use a warm sleep suit if needed.
• Babies often sleep during the day because mommy was awake rocking the baby to sleep during the daytime
• Overtired babies wake up more than well-rested ones.
• Setup a bedtime routine with nursing, reading, massage, song, bath, etc.

Sleep Training

• Sleep training — Consider Jassey method from The Newborn Sleep Book
• Summary: feed only five times per day, 8am, noon, 4pm, 8pm midnight
• Extend time between feedings by 15 mins until you reach this schedule.

Month 3 — Let the Games Begin

• He can’t tell he has two distinct sides — instead he moves both his arms and legs together
• Should be getting better at grasping
• Prefers circular shapes to stripes and complex patterns to simple ones
• He will now begin to use distinct types of cries for different discomforts
• He’s perceptive about moods of people around him

SIDS

• 90% of SIDS happens by 6 months, but can still happen up to one year
• More likely to occur to buys than girls, preterm babies, multiple-birth babies, babies from low-income homes, black and indigenous babies.
• Don’t co-sleep
• Baby should always sleep on a flat firm surface
• 1 in 2000 babies are affected

Father’s father

• You may start to think a lot about your own father-son experience
• Dr. Snarey found that new fathers take only the good parts from their father
• They also do an excellent job of reversing the damage their fathers did, i.e. men whose fathers were distant place an emphasis on being more caring with their children
• We are role models

Playing with baby

• Kids who play a lot with their dad have higher self-esteem
• Introduce rattles, keys, and other similar toys. Tie a helium balloon to his foot.
• Read to your baby, increase vocabulary, attention, and makes the less likely
• It doesn’t matter what you read, since it’s a fantastic opportunity for you and the baby to snuggle together and get to know the rhythm of our language
• He is not able to identify images on the page. He might just scratch the page.
• Set a regular place and time for reading. Usually just before/after nap is best.
• Babies complain loudly if they're too cold, and are seem like they are lacking energy if their too hot
• Use sunscreen after baby is 6 months old. Check EWS for safe sunscreens.
• Heat rash — anywhere where sweat builds up can cause red bumps. Use cool washcloth or cornstarch to make baby more comfortable.
• Avoid baby wearing floral pattern clothing since insects might be attracted to it.

Diaper rash

• Disposal diapers make the baby more comfortable, but that leads them to sit in acidic poo for longer causing diaper rash
• Cloth diapered babies are toilet trained faster
• Change diaper as frequently as possible

Month 4 — Born to Be

Baby can now

• Track and grasp objects
• Can stand for a few seconds, but hips aren’t strong enough to support the weight so don’t do this for too long
• Can tell difference between real face and a picture of one
• Might respond to name
• May have sleep disturbance due to an especially busy developmental time
• Don’t focus on what you can’t do, i.e. breastfeed, focus on everything you are already doing — baths, massages, skin-to-skin, etc.
• Most new dads start to feel that so much of their identity is wrapped up in being a

Baby’s have many different types of temperament

• Approach/withdrawal
• Adaptability
• Intensity
• Mood
• Activity
• Regularity
• Sensitivity
• Distractibility
• Persistence

Note: this part was incredibly detailed and is not summarized in this article.

Sex

• On average, couples start having sex again about 7 weeks after birth
• Hormones, fatigue and time are biggest obstacles
• Think like teens — grope each other, watch porn together, bang in new places

Thyroid

• 5–10 % of new moms get postpartum thyroiditis, causing anxiety, emotional instability, muscle fatigue, depression — which are all normal for regular postpartum. However, by 4 months she should be over most of these.

Sleep

• Don’t become baby’s sleep transition object
• It’s normal for babies to fuss for 15–20 mins after being put down
• Keep nighttime activity to a minimum
• Do feeds in the dark for nighttime feeds
• Don’t change diapers unless you absolutely must
• Do a routine where you take the baby around to all the toys and say goodnight
• Can soothe babies from your side of the bars by rubbing their head
• Babies can be strangled by crib bumper strings
• Let your partner take care of nighttime feeds, since there’s not much you can do to help
• Liat Tikotzky discovered that the more that dads’ are involved in daytime care, the fewer times babies wake up at night.
• You can’t expect a baby to nap from 4pm to 6pm and then go to sleep for the night at 7pm.

Month 5: Work and Family

• Baby can now roll
• Still can’t quite sit without support
• Longer intervals between feeding and poops
• Starting to babble with consonants
• Growing number of emotions: fear, anger, disgust, satisfaction
• Worrying can lead to low self-confidence and becoming more hands-off, letting someone else do the work. This only decreases your skill-level and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Work-life balance changes over time.
• When babies hear aa recording of another baby crying, they start crying too — but not if it’s an older child crying

Solid Foods

• Most pediatricians recommend that you delay introducing solids until baby is at least 6 months old if breastfed, and four months old if bottle-fed.
• Resist starting solids earlier than 4–6 months because of correlations to weight problems, respiratory illness, diabetes, etc.
• Holding off on introducing allergenic foods like cow milk, eggs, fish, nuts, shellfish, wheat can increase risk of food intolerances
• Can take 15 mins to get through one teaspoon of food at the beginning
• Rice, oatmeal or barley mixed with breast milk should be first foods
• Constipation can be resolved by (p for poop), pears, prunes, peaches, plums, apricots
• After 1 year, baby can eat almost any kind of food
• Food will get everywhere — on floor, clothes, carpets, etc. Consider feeding baby only in a diaper.
• Organic jarred food is expensive but convenient — make your own.
• Boil vegetables and blend them.

Month 6: